Day 2: The banshee wails
Thursday August 12, 2004 – 7:43 amStay away, boys!! Run for your lives!! I’m just filled with rage and hatred and venom today, especially towards MEN WHO HAVE BUGGED ME TO STOP SMOKING for the past 20 years. It’s the withdrawal talkin’ so forgive me in advance for what I am about to say: I’m super pissed at y’all, you’ve tried to control me in so many ways, ESPECIALLY when it came to the smoking. I’d like to blame YOU (y’all know very well who you are) for every bit of my discomfort right now, so I think I will. Why not? If that’s what it takes to get me through it, oh the fuck well. Better just back the hell up right now, y’hear? BAAAHHAHAHAHA!!!!
Ever since I started smoking, those fucker men have been begging, wheedling, haranguing, lecturing me, calling me stupid and selfish for continuing to smoke. Y’all turned it into a control issue, and I won’t be controlled, so FUCK all y’all for that. YOU have nothing do with my deciding to quit now, so wipe that smirk off your face — if I succeed then the victory will be ALL MINE. In fact, y’all probably caused me to smoke years longer than I would have otherwise because I just had to dig in my heels in the face of your manipulations. You said you were doing it because you loved me… yeah right. I know what you really wanted. BLOOOOWJOOOOOBS!! (Your eardrums are shattered now, btw, in case you didn’t notice.)
LOLOLOL… ohhh, I’m so pissed, and the craving is SO fucking strong it’s almost turning around on itself so I’m laughing about it. Almost!! I know how ludicrous all this is, so… just stand back behind that yellow line please, for your own safety. I do have Nicorette, so this isn’t even half as bad as it could be.
August 12th, 2004 at 9:25 am
Because ladies never bug dudes about quitting smoking. Um, sorry. Don’t hit me.
If I quit, I know what comes next, "man you drink way too much Diet Coke, all that nutrasweet can’t be healthy…" There’s always another vice to chip away at.
Well, as they say, "you’ll have to pry my cold, dead fingers off the bottle for that to happen."
Keep up the fight. Have you ever read Johnny Cash’s account of his battle to quit? Something about locking himself in his room for weeks. At one point he said he was staring out the window at some trees and wondering if he could roll the leaves up and smoke them.
Quitting is a true pain in the ass. Keep up the good work.
August 12th, 2004 at 10:07 am
Don’t worry Soren, I’m just trying to keep myself entertained, keep my fingers moving. I won’t use that uhh… material again in my repertoire, I know how ridiculous it is. People did bug me (not just men) and maybe it wasn’t as helpful as it could’ve been but c’mon, it’s stupid. But I would love to be able to blame anybody but myself, it makes it easier. Just trying to keep my fingers moving so my arm will stop jumping over to the table every 2-10 minutes — WHERE IS MY PACK??? Oh. Right. It’s gone now. FUCCCCCKK!!! I’ve looked under the bed, dumped out my purse, looked behind every piece of furniture in here, re-checked all the trash cans trying to find butts. There aren’t any — WHAT FUCKING BITCH THREW AWAY MY SMOKES???
August 12th, 2004 at 11:12 am
The Exorcist in 30 seconds with bunnies
August 12th, 2004 at 12:16 pm
No good books? No vigorous song practice? I can send you a Rubik’s cube if you’re that bereft of anything to do with your hands. I guess there’s also upping your caffeine consumption in response. :)
August 12th, 2004 at 12:27 pm
No I’m practicing. But I can only deal with one song at a time, I keep hopping up when I see new mail, that’s all. Back to work!
August 12th, 2004 at 2:48 pm
Oh God… there is nothing like The Exorcist in 30 Seconds as performed by bunnies… Alien is pretty close, but the first is still the best.
August 12th, 2004 at 4:02 pm
Yes, it explained the way I was feeling this morning, like living hell. But I’m somewhat better now, I took a long walk and got a strawberry smoothie, it’s smoothie-ing over the frayed nerve-endings. I really did quit, I guess I wasn’t lying after all! It’s depressing though, I feel like I lost my best buddy. Again! (I keep doing that in various ways, it fucking sucks.)
August 12th, 2004 at 7:15 pm
NO, no, you lost that ‘best buddy’ who puts you down subtly but is "just joking" and who always talks over you, forgets to introduce you, doesn’t tell you when you have a glob of spinach in your teeth, and and never offers to bring you chicken soup when you are sick. The one that makes you last on the priority list but who expects you to jump when they say jump.
You’re better off without that fucker.
Hey, I just did that, in a way, too and it does make you completely mental for a while, as any of my friends will attest. But, here’s to what the future brings and I know tomorrow we’ll find better things.
Right?
August 12th, 2004 at 7:38 pm
That is an awesome analogy…
August 12th, 2004 at 7:51 pm
Oh y’all, I just wanna… SMASH some shit up. This felt like the worst day of my whole life, although I had a few decent hours. I’m so pissed it’s riDONKulous and when I’m not frothing at the mouth with rage, I’m sobbing. I just wanna make it to tomorrow without fuckin’ tearin’ somebody’s head off for no good reason. Oh man… I’m lucky even a FEW people will put up with me right now, this is by far the worst I will ever be I’m sure. I hope!! Uggghhh.
No, I haven’t smoked today though, and that’s something. I have to get past this, it’s not me, it’s not right. Whatever evil monster is making me feel and act this way needs to DIEEEEEEE!!! GRRRR!!!!