Note: This is a journal entry — it was written on paper or on my computer, then transferred to my website, maybe years later.

Jan and Ryan spent practically all night browbeating me over the sorry state of my career in music.  I really don’t think I’m cut our for this line of work.  I want to be with John, I want to stay home and do my own shit and not have anything to do with music for the rest of my fucking life.  That’s it!!  Fuck it.  I’m sick of it.  I can’t control everything.  I’m not the one to do all the work that needs to be done.  They can all lick my ass, okay?  MOMMY!!!  I want to go home NOW.  I want to be home.  Goodbye.

The show went fine by the way.  No problems there, I’m just sick of everybody telling me what I should fucking do when it’s not even my job to manage certain things, and it’s not my fault when problems occur.  Assholes.  GRRRRRRRR!!!

Not Ryan.  I’m not mad at him.  I’m just mad at the whole world right now.  Fuck ‘em!!!!  What matters is the fucking music, that’s it.  There’s the music, and there’s the people who hear the music and enjoy it.  That’s what’s important.  It’s all the people in between that I can’t deal with!!  Why can’t I just make music and hand it to somebody else to sell?  Why can’t I trust other people to do a job that I’m not capable of or don’t want to do on my own?  What’s wrong with deciding to do that?  Apparently everything, according to some people.  I’m the one who gets the blame, who suffers the fools, who gets the grief when things aren’t organized perfectly and my records aren’t available in the same cities that I’m playing.

I WANT TO WRITE SONGS AND PLAY MUSIC and let other people worry about everything else.  WHAT is wrong with that?  THE FUCK???  I hate the music business but I’m dependent on it for my living.  It sucks but I need it in order to get the music to the people who might want to hear it.  What the fuck?  I should just fucking get a job and go back to making music for FUN again.  I can write songs and put them on my website and let anybody in the world hear them.  FUCK the vendors.  Why can’t they just go to my website and hear the music?  Um, because I like to go into studios to record, and studios cost money?  Riiiight.  And because music doesn’t get reviewed unless it’s on an actual CD that you can buy in the stores?  Yup.  I am so fucked.  I’m stuck doing something I hate for the rest of my life just because I sent a tape out and somebody liked my music somewhere along the way.  I thought it might be a good idea, but in reality I can’t handle the pressure and all the work that comes along with being a real working musician.  I can’t take it.  I don’t want it.  This is not what I want.  What should I do?  Joni Mitchell is quitting music, and I totally understand why, I just don’t know why it took her so long to do it.